


Care and Feeding of Your Janet

by samalander



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Computer Viruses, Gen, Metafiction, Yuletide Treat, absurdity, user manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 23:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13134345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samalander/pseuds/samalander
Summary: Please read this guide carefully before activating your Janet.





	Care and Feeding of Your Janet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [burglebezzlement](https://archiveofourown.org/users/burglebezzlement/gifts).



Congratulations, Architect!

Your neighborhood has been issued a Janet v25.3.6b, the latest in Janet technology. Please read this guide carefully before activating your Janet, as failure to follow activation protocol can result in malfunctions including aphasia, spontaneous clothing incineration, and uncontrollable weeping.

* * *

_Startup_  
On initiation, your Janet will ask for a four-digit code, which will have been issued to you by the home office. If you do not have a four-digit code, please speak to your direct supervisor.  
**NB:** Failure to enter the correct four-digit code three times will cause your Janet to lock up. If your Janet locks up, please call Good Place IT at extension 07734 to get instructions on a hard reboot. Repeated attempts to circumvent hard-lock may cause thermonuclear war.  
Once your Janet has been activated with your four-digit code, she will download all the information in the known universe. This process can take up to one week. During the download process, your Janet may experience buffering errors if asked to perform tasks or retrieve data.  
**NB:** Attempts to engage your Janet in a battle of wits during the download process have been known to cause emotional outbreaks and/or lead to general instability. Janet may also misretrieve information during this process. This is a known issue with no patch at present. Please be patient with your Janet, and wait until the entire download has been completed to ask her to perform any higher functions.  
After startup has been completed, Janet will begin to function normally and interact with residents. Any errors at this stage should be checked against the Troubleshooting section at the end of this manual.

* * *

_Operation_  
Janets are programmed to be self-operating as long as they are not exposed to extreme conditions or moral quandaries. Your Janet will back up to the cloud every 100 years, and can be manually synced to the Janet Mainframe in cases where trouble may occur.  
**NB:** Bad Place Janets are much more comfortable with moral quandaries. If you believe you have received a Bad Place Janet, please find a young person or morally-upstanding nerd to assist you with flashing her BIOS. If you cannot find a young person or morally-upstanding nerd, you can try to contact Bad Place IT at extension 58008. Good luck with that.  
Janet should be defragged once every millennium, and her virus protection should be checked every 500 years. Though the Bad Place has not yet tried to compromise any Good Place Janets by placing system-disrupting bugs in their subroutines, we really can't put it past them to think of it one day.

* * *

_Features ___  
Your Janet should be able to manifest objects at will, call trains to adjoining neighborhoods, and recall information through verbal commands.  
Janet comes equipped with an intercom mode, which will cause all Janets to broadcast your words. Intercom mode can be disabled or restricted to prevent resident access in the settings menu under "communication preferences".  
Janet's confidant mode can be activated by holding her nose for 30 seconds. Once activated, Confidant Janet will not repeat anything you tell her to anyone else. Ever. She will also forget the things you tell her after 1 year, or on command.  
Janet cannot report on residents. Under no circumstance should Janet be used as a spy, bug, or other clandestine observing tool. Attempts to do so may cause explosive decompression of your neighborhood.

* * *

_Updates_  
Janet v25.3.6b has been patched in the following ways:

  * Janet will now only cast a shadow when she is exposed to light
  * Vampirism subroutine has been nullified
  * Janet no longer suffers image stability issues when exposed to sitar music
  * Life-begging protocol has been enhanced with more props, including a realistic baby
  * Fixed issue where some stimuli were causing Janet to speak backwards
  * Janet no longer creates infinite pits of cashmere blankets when asked to make herself comfortable
  * Bee allergy has been cured



* * *

_Known Issues_

  * Janet v25.3.6b will still occasionally attempt to eat. This is mostly harmless, except in rare cases when Janets get confused about household cleaners. Consuming undiluted acids or anything vanilla-scented can damage your Janet. Any Janets found regularly ingesting anything should be sent to their void and rebooted for safety.
  * Janet may fall in love with residents if she is rebooted too often. If your Janet is displaying signs of pining, lust, passion, love, slow burn, desire to platonically share beds, or any other aspect of romance novel plots, please contact IT or return her to the Janet dispensary for a trade-in.
  * Janet cannot manifest unbuttered toast. Requests for plain toast will always arrive buttered.
  * Janets will occasionally cheat at Backgammon. At this time, it is unclear if this is a very specific morality issue, or a math and counting error.
  * If engaged in any kind of Superhero Fantasy, Janet may become stuck in a Batman Recursion loop, with an inability to say anything other than "I am Batman." It is best to avoid any Marvel-, Image-, or DC-themed roll play in your neighborhood to avoid this. If it happens, activate the Heath Ledger subroutine, which kills the Batman.



To report any new bugs your Janet may encounter, please use the "Bug Report" feature in your Neighborhood Handbook.

* * *

_Troubleshooting_  
**Error** : Janet will not stop doing the macarena.  
**Fix** : Check internal radio settings. It may be set to one of the many Bad Place stations that only plays early 1990s dance tracks.

 **Error** : Janet always appears wet.  
**Fix** : Check your Janet's temperature gauge. If she is operating at an excess of 500 degrees Kelvin, condensation may occur.  
**Fix:** Check your Neighborhood's weather protocol. Is it raining? If so, Janet will naturally be wet.  
**Fix** : Check your Janet's era/style setting. If she has been set to 1950s greaser or early 2000s club kid, the issue may be an abundance of hair product.

 **Error:** Janet will not stop doing convincing impressions of reality-TV host Jeff Probst.  
**Fix:** Check Janet's language settings in the Neighborhood Handbook. If the "annoyance" gauge is over 50%, Janet may be trying to vote residents out of the neighborhood.

 **Error:** Janet occasionally confuses left and right when giving directions  
**Fix:** Oh, like you're so perfect? Shirt happens.

 **Error:** Janet does not respond to residents in a timely manner.  
**Fix:** Check to be sure her Do Not Disturb setting is off.

 **Error:** Janet believes every day of the year is Christmas  
**Fix:** Check internal clock for errors.  
**Fix:** Disengage Groundhog Day protocol.  
**Fix:** Deal with it, is it really so bad to have a sentient AI who wants to give you presents?

* * *

_For More Help_

If you encounter any other issues with your Janet, you can contact Good Place IT 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Bad Place IT is available from 4:00am-5:30am UTC on the third Wednesday of every month. 

Please use your Janet responsibly and above all else, have fun! 

Janet is brought to you by The Good Place, and the way small children say "Santa" whenever they see a fat man with a beard.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Care and Feeding of Your Janet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13859961) by [Lunate8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunate8/pseuds/Lunate8), [RevolutionaryJo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolutionaryJo/pseuds/RevolutionaryJo)
  * [[Podfic] Podfication 2018 Live Performances](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16430639) by [bessyboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo/pseuds/bessyboo), [blackglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass), [cantarina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantarina/pseuds/cantarina), [exmanhater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exmanhater/pseuds/exmanhater), [forzandopod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/forzandopod/pseuds/forzandopod), [litrapod (litra)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/litra/pseuds/litrapod), [Lunate8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunate8/pseuds/Lunate8), [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong), [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins), [RevolutionaryJo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolutionaryJo/pseuds/RevolutionaryJo), [Shmaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmaylor/pseuds/Shmaylor), [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles)




End file.
